Christmas Without You

You left me a legacy: Magical Christmas Memories that haunt me every year.

Yes, haunt me. You created them. They haunt me because I cannot capture the essence of Christmas like you did. When I do it, for some reason Christmas just feels lackluster, always missing something. Even when celebrated with reverence and spiritual pregnancy with the Advent Wreath,  Christkind manger, nativity sets, soft lights, family with...it just isn't Christmas.


Somehow, you made it feel like the world stood still, that each softly falling snowflake was placed just so, to prepare for Christ and that each star in the heavens was polished to their most brilliant excellence. There are no words to express the whole experience of your Christmases. They are memories that are impressed into my soul and I can't get them OUT to share that expectant magic with my children. They are stuck inside me, yearning to be freed. It saddens me in bittersweet ways, to the very core of my being, like the dreams where we try to fly, jump and fall.

Maybe it wasn't the things you did: baking enough cookies (and counting them!) to feed the entire neighborhood and locking them up like some cruel torment, or allowing the one tiniest sip of Creme de Menthe to touch our lips. Maybe it wasn't how the lights glowed through the snow to create infinite sparkles or the way the embers popped and glowed in the fire.

It couldn't have been the tenderly placed garland with velvety red bows adorning the bannister or the miniature Chistmas village where miniscule  magic happened in cottony fluffiness. The love you put into wrapping the gifts was more profound than the gifts themselves! You placed them around the tree so perfectly reflecting the tree lights with twinkling and glittering that there must have been fairy dust used.

It isn't any of that which can be all recreated.

It was YOU. Your presence. Your joy. Your sense of wonder and awe made Christmas special. The child in you came bounding out with abandonment and that essence of you was always present at our Christmases.

I miss you so deeply, it physically hurts. I love you.

And just because you'd do something really goofy right now to diffuse the sadness....

Merry Christmas Mom

These are a Few of Her Favorite Things..

Over the course of time she loved:

Her Grandbabies!! --All 7 of them.

Wolves

Native American Culture

Spirituality

Helping those around her with cancer

Women Who Run With the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes

Joanne Shenandoah

Yanni

Singing/Karaoke

Dancing

Reading

Big Fish Online Games

King, Koontz, Patterson..

CSI's Grishom

Victorian things

Pigs

Do you remember the Highlander? Adrian Paul..yep, she loved him!

Scrappy--Her nutty dog, who thought he was a little man.

Writing Poetry

Lee Bogel Art

Gilbert Williams Paintings

Jonathan Earl Bowser--She had always been drawn to art depicting women like this.

Josephine Wall- I have many greeting cards from mom with Joesephines art work.

Thomas Kincade

Garfield- the lasagna eating cat.

Anthony Hopkins--especially in Silence of the Lambs--something about his worldliness.

FlowGo Website-for funny baby skits and the like.

CuppyCake Song

Crochet-only she would call it "crotch-eting" :)~


12/16/14
Christmas! How did I forget her love of  Christmas!

The Value of Life

Tonight I was following up on a case/complaint for mom.  This is one of several that I've filed on her behalf.  I looked back upon all these cases and just broke down crying. I cried from some deep, primal place within that screamed to be heard.  Why didn't I value her life enough?  Had I really given up on her?  Did I not see any value left in her life?  Maybe I did lose sight of the value of her life. Maybe that is why I am fighting so hard for her now.

She entered the hospital for an elective back surgery on Monday. Wednesday, Rylee and I went and visited her; she hadn't had the surgery, yet.  She wasn't well, she was ashen, bleeding and in pain.  Rylee left the "get well card" she had made for Mamoe.  We left to let her rest.

Thursday, late morning, I received several calls. None of them--I repeat not ONE of them, led me to believe that the situation was urgent until the call came that she was in ICU, get down here.

When I arrived, I walked into mom with a technician/nurse on top of her doing chest compresses (?).  I was SHOCKED. I had no clue, wasn't prepared.  I had to decide to have them stop life saving measures. I vaguely remember the Dr. saying something like "obese, poor quality of life..."

Afterwards, the hospital couldn't find her body. The funeral home didn't have her. I called the  Medical Examiner and he didn't even know she had passed.  M.E. told me that in 20 (30?) years of doing this, a family member had NEVER reported a death.

Turns out the attending never signed the Death Certificate, there was no cause of death, and mom was finally found in the hospital's morgue.

The autopsy revealed that she died of an "enlarged heart"--yeah, maybe one so big that it broke trying to love everyone as hard as she could.

I went to her home the night she died. I wanted to lay on her pillow and cry. I wanted to sit at her kitchen table and drink "foffe," I wanted to look at family pictures. I couldn't. Her home was invaded by my brother and his family (5 kids). They refused to leave--ever. They stayed for days and finally packed up her stuff and moved it into storage. I was denied being able to mourn her in a meaningful way.

I was denied access to her one small insurance policy.  It turns out she sold a policy to a man/company that has a history of fraud for Viatical Settlements. He bought her policy for $7, 500. It was a $50,000 policy. No one seems to know why she did it. She lied to myself and my brother about it. She never bought her self anything or went on any special trips--nothing. My brother and I were the beneficiaries. Here is the kicker--my signature and my brother's signature were FORGED!!  And the person who notarized it KNEW they were forged, for she was a long time best friend of my mom's.

So, here I sit a year and half later.
Trying to make some kind of amends to her memory.

I have filed two cases with the State to get her insurance policy back, have the Company held responsible for an illegal transaction. Failed. The forged signatures aren't necessary to transfer the policy. Not enough evidence for a criminal case--even though I put together a BOOK of this man's Nationwide crime spree.

I have filed a case with the State Division of Licensing to have the notary held responsible. They are so "severely backlogged" that the case hasn't even been assigned yet.

I have filed a case with the State to have the Dr. investigated that didn't sign the death certificate and lost her body. Failed. State says nothing there is worth pursuing.

I have filed another case with the State that oversees and certifies hospitals.....why did she die without even having the surgery? Waiting.

I have consulted with several attorneys regarding mom's death in relation to the hospital's responsibility.  Failed. No case. Her life had no value without having any assets.

Yes. You read that correctly.

The value of life....is 0, zilch, nada, nothing, when:
-she wasn't protected from fraud and the criminal gets away with it
-she wasn't safe in the hospital
-she wasn't offered pain remediation
-her body was lost and not one person took responsibility for it
-her death certificate/cause of death was neglected
-the funeral home told us she was too large to cremate (LIE!-she was cremated)
-a notary can witness forged signatures on a legal insurance document designed to protect
-she had 0 assets

What about her 7 grandkids?

The lack of value for life permeates all of these cases, mom's life has no value to anyone. All these laws, regulations, policies that are in place to protect people are only there to devalue them.  Not one of these agencies has stood up to say, "hey- your mom's life was valuable- I can help you". Not one.

So, I failed to value her life towards the end and even now, after her death, I cannot get people to see the value of her life enough to stand up for her, defend her and do justice by her.

Maybe that is why I turned so passionately towards the Pro-Life movement?  We have dehumanized and devalued these babies;  I can change and do something about that.

Hypocrisy Exemplified

I can't help but wonder why so many of the people who claimed to have loved mom dearly and saw fit to lash out at me and criticize me--refused to show up at her Ceremony to scatter her ashes?

It seems obvious, so blatantly and painfully obvious that those who truly loved her...were there. When I think of these half dozen or so people that didn't show up, I think of spite and pettiness and then I step back and try to see the big picture...of maybe how mom would have saw it--and she would have been broken-hearted and angry. She was definately a pro at bottling up her feelings until somone "popped the top" She would have expected nothing less from those around her--to just grin and bear it, put those feelings away and move forward.

But they failed at that...and my heart aches for the lack of respect, decency, integrity and common sense they afforded her. It is said that true colors come flying through when one dies...and boy have I seen some real vibrant ones. I seriously doubt that that if mom knew how these people acted at her passing, how they have treated her daughter, how they violated her space--she would have been friends with them much longer.

Ahhh, but the beauty here is that she raised me to be a genuine, strong, woman...to always rise above, stand tall. I honored her purest truth, with the highest sense of grace and elequoence when her ashes were scattered, her memory honored and all with peaceful integrity.

I have a peaceful sense of fulfillment, a calm assuredness at having done the right thing, despite all the swirling darkness. I guess in a sense, I do feel like a protector of her energy--shielding her from the negativity and chaos she left behind.

I only wish I knew how to do that while she was alive--it was something we both struggled with. A struggle what we couldn't battle together because of pulling each other down, so space and boundaries were necessary. Her life was innundated with chaos and negativity and darkness...and to see her on her way with a sense of peace and calmness was the best gift I could offer.

I Am

I Am a spirit, a weaver of light, I have wings to soar, the freedom of flight.

No boundaries to hold me, no roads to walk, no darkness to cover, no need to talk.

I Am like a candle dancing through the night, shadows on the walls until morning light.

I can reach out, touch, grasp, and feel, I can taste, laugh, walk or kneel.

I Am as I Am, no chains to bind, because inside of my open mind...

The wind will guide my outstretched wings, I will learn of children, flowers all God's things...

My fairy dust I will shower all around, to all of the sleeping or awake on the ground.

To place in their minds a vision of life, as it should be without all of the strife...

that comes in being bound by the rules of the land, that comes with being led by society's hand.

A whisper I Am ..a slight gentle breeze, the hope that you hear in the simple word please.

A gatherer of rain, a morning's dew, the scent of a rose as I pass by you...

The slight caress of the wind on your brow, I Am all of these as I Am now...

And as you gaze at the sky above, remember that I am also the one called love...

The clouds are my pillows for your weary head, angels will guide you to your soft bed...

I Am the music that will sing the lullabies, to close and rest your tired eyes..

I Am the light that will brighten your day, a light to help guide your way...

To my land of freedom, for the dreams I weave, will keep you in my heart, you won't want to leave...

I Am a dreamweaver who weaves out the sorrow, and removes the tears you won't shed tomorrow...

I Am the walker who passes your way, who smiles and nods, and may even say:

"Hello fellow spirit, how was your night? Did you sleep well, enjoy the flight?"

Into my realm of castles and kings, where unicorns dance and everyone sings...

To the music of lilfe and songs of joy, the chattering voice of a little boy...

I Am the dreamweaver, a giver of smiles, come stay with me- rest for a while...

Share with me your thougths while I am here, for soon I will be leaving you my dear..

For I Am a spirit, who travels in flight, a fleeting glimpse of the wonders of lilght...

Yes, I Am a spirit who has to be free, because that is the only way...I truly can be me.

Guardian Spirit

Today was mom's "Ceremony". I say ceremony because it wasn't a funeral, it wasn't a wake, it wasn't a service. Mom didn't want all sorrow and sadness--she wanted it to be a celebration. It was both, joyful and sorrowful; a compromise I am confident she was satisfied with. Being that we were at a Wolf Preserve it was informal. Mom didn't want anything as far as a service. Her specific wishes were that we could have one IF we wanted and invite who we wished. I read a poem that mom wrote called "I AM". We spread her ashes, listened to a song that Joanne Shenandoah shared called Fading Star. Joanne wrote that song for her mom's passing --as a healing song. All along this journey since she has passed...there have been magical messages. (see 3 previous posts) God does work in mysterious ways. While at the Wolf place, we learned about an Ambassador Wolf named "Atka" and the guide told us that he was up on his platform watching us the whole ceremony...later we learned that his name means "Guardian Spirit" and we all looked at each other in awe, having some understanding of the deeper meaning of this for the ceremony.

Kisses To Heaven

Rylee wanted to send Mamoe kisses the other day. I asked her: "how do we do that? "

This little girl showed me how to send kisses to Heaven. While she was explaining this to me, it simply flowed...it came from a place of knowing. I am choosing the words "praying position", I don't know how else to explain it conscisely.

Place a "kiss into my palm mom, kiss right here." So I kissed her palm. Then she placed her other hand over it, like a praying position. She brought her hands, in praying position to her chin.Oh!! Can't forget, the elbows MUST be out. She told me to take a deep breath, to close my eyes and then to "push" the kiss away from you. So visually, the fingertips come intowards the face and the palms move away from the face, the palms open and release the kiss. Bring hands back around to praying position.

The Sun Kisses

My lifelong friend, Chantal came to be with me from CT. She is usually a very nervous and anxious driver coming here, especially when she drives alone. However, when she got here, she was calm, relaxed and told me about her ride to NY.

She said the sun was shining in her window onto her cheek. "It felt different." It didn't warm her body even though the sun shone everywhere on her, it only seemed to warm a place on her cheek and that it felt like the sun was kissing her cheek, she just kept saying how it felt like the sun was kissing her cheek. She kept touching her cheek where the sun was kissing her.

A Gift to the Child

On the way to the hospital, Rylee pointed out a rainbow in the sky while they were sitting at a traffic light. Beryle noticed that there wasn't a cloud in the sky; there was a sunset and a PATCH of rainbow. Rylee said she saw Mamoe wiggling her butt dancing over the rainbow, then the fairies pushed her the rest of the way over as the rainbow faded. Later, when I talked to her about it, she said it was Angels that helped her go over. Mamoe had a pretty generous butt, and she had a certain way of swaying her hips...